My biggest fear

Today my post is a bit more serious.

 I don't live in fear, I never have. I live in the moments I am in. I enjoy them with every bit of my soul and I choose to always look for positives if something negative comes my way.

There is one thing I can think of that I fear the most. In general it stays in the back of my mind not noticed. It only comes forward when I hear a story on the news of someone loosing their child. Accidents happen and I get that, but to loose your child, to have your child die, no parent should have to experience that. No parent should have to outlive their child.

Today something happened that brought me too close to my fear. 

Today I could have lost Syler.

It was just another day around here, the sun was breaking through the clouds and we headed out to play and work on the garden. Paul had picked up a load of dirt in the trailer for the garden beds yesterday and I figured the boys and I could get started on it. Zander, Drezden and Syler all climbed into the trailer and started filling my wheelbarrow. I took a few loads to the beds before Ryker decided he had enough of playing on the ground by himself. So I decided to work closer to him and prune up our blueberries now that I could see all the buds. They boys played in the dirt a while longer then hopped out and headed for some puddles in the driveway. A pretty typical spot for them to play, it is not very far from where I was working and I could hear and see them.

I continued pruning my blueberries, looking up at the kids here and there to see what they were doing. Mostly they were just puddle jumping and mud painting. Pretty normal for them. They started to quiet down and were playing with pine cones in the puddles, sitting next to the puddles and watching the pine cones float, roll and wander in the puddles. They would then roll them in the mud and return them to the puddles.

At one moment I looked up and saw that Drezden had wandered over towards our pond. Now for those who don't know our pond is pretty small. about 3ft by 4ft and just 1.5 or 2 feet deep. All of my kids are tall enough to stand up in it. It sits in our front yard next to the driveway and has this cute little bridge that goes over the top. We have had plans to turn it into a water feature but have yet to do so. It is a rule around here that we don't play in or around the pond. Of course being that the children are young I do have to remind them almost every time we go outside to not play in or around the pond. So when I saw Drezden leaning over the pond I naturally called to him "Drezden, we dont play by the pond, please come back to the puddles" It was his response that made my heart stop. "But mommy, Syler!" Those three words and I knew what he meant, a quick glance at the puddles confirmed my fear, Syler had fallen into the pond. All I could yell as I jumped off the ground was "can you help him!?" I was roughly 75 feet from the pond, maybe a little less. My heart was pounding, running towards the pond thoughts went through my mind, *I didnt hear a splash, I dont hear any splashing, I dont hear crying, am I too late* As I got close enough I could see Drezden was pulling on Syler's arm, at the same time I started hearing Syler gasp for air, chocking on water, 10 more steps, Drezden had Syler's head and arms out of the water, I grabbed him, pulled him out of the water, he was breathing, he was crying, he was coughing up water. I could feel my heart again, he was going to be okay.

He was so scared, he was so cold, he was so wet. I was just hugging him, holding him and trying to calm him down. We all headed inside, stripped Syler down and warmed him up with some towels, then into a warm bath, then a warm change of clothes. He was so tired, I held him while he fell asleep and I didn't want to put him down. I just stared at him, going over in my head what had just happened, what could of happened and how very great-full I am to have him still here. 

Then there is Drezden, how happy and blessed I am to have children who LOVE each other, children who play together, children who look out for each other. If it wasn't for Drezden I don't even know what would have happened today, would I have been just 10 steps too far away?

I told Drezden he did something Amazing. I told him he SAVED his brother, I told him that if it wasn't for him Syler might have drowned. He told me " I could tell he needed help mommy, I love him and I saved him!" My little hero today.

So what happened? How did Syler end up in the pond? We may never know but I did have this conversation with Drezden:

Me: "So Drezden, can you tell me what heppened? How Syler fell in the pond?"

D "hmmmmm,, ummmmmm"

Me: "Why don't you tell me why you guys were over by the pond, what where you doing?"

D "Playing with our pine cones"

Me: "okay, what were you doing with them?"

D "Washing them"

Me "I see, so what happened to Syler?"

D " He wanted his pine cone, it was in the pond"

Me " Was he reaching for it and he fell in?"

D " um, no he got in"

Me" He got into the pond? You mean he stepped into it to get his pine cone out?"

D " Yes"

Me "Then what happened? When did he need help?"

D " In the pond, he, he slipped getting his pine cone and his head went under the water."

Me" What did you do next"

D " You talked to me and I helped him"

Me "Was he in the pond for a long time or a short time before I talked to you and you helped him?"

D "A short time"

Me " I am so glad you helped and saved him Drezden, Mommy is so proud of you! I love you so much!"

D "I Saved Syler mommy!" *Said with a very big smile*

His story seems pretty real to me, it makes perfect sense really. I know the bottom of the pond is super slippery, we haven't cleaned it out this spring yet so it has old rotting leaves from the fall on the bottom. It doesn't help that Syler is also still a toddler and needs his arms to assist him in standing up even on flat ground. I can only imagine what he was feeling trying to stand up on a slippery surface with his head under water.

We later had a conversation all together about how its not safe to play by the pond and how if they want something that is in the pond they need to ask for help from mommy or daddy. Its a conversation we have had a million times over, but taking advantage of todays occurrence I am hoping it sits a little stronger on their minds.  Regardless we have decided to get rid of the pond. We may some day add it back into our landscaping when the kids are all older and at least know how to swim. Then again maybe not.

I want everyone to know that Syler is doing great! It was a very scary and real experience that I never want to go through again. It can happen to anyone, please, please take all precautions with any body of water that your kids can get to, even the smallest ones are cause for concern, no matter how many talks you have had with your kids to leave it alone. Unless it is out of their reach and blocked off, it can be deadly.

Hugging my babies a little bit closer tonight.